| As the information
and concepts have become common knowledge, people begin to
ask, "Well, what should I do if I'm
not supposed to follow the old models?" Some of the parts
of the old models still apply: write sympathy notes, take food,
call with specific offers and don't abandon people who
are grieving a few weeks after the funeral. But those professionals
and volunteers who work daily with people who are grieving
have focused on more specifics of what actually helps and what
common impulses can even be hurtful.
Some historic reassurances came from the time when death was
much more common and farm-work or surviving the Depression
became immediate priorities. So statements like "Be grateful
he's in a better place" or "Aren't you
glad he's not suffering anymore" might have been
comforting in that historical and cultural context. But with
medical advances in many traditionally fatal diseases, dying,
death, grieving and bereavement can be long, drawn-out processes.
With more widespread economic security, we're able to
pay closer attention to the emotional, relational and spiritual
needs of people who are grieving.
There are some common understandings
which have come about related to the grief process. One is
that no matter how long
the dying, family members tend to hold out hope against
the finality of death; so the actual loss is felt just as severely
as if it were sudden because that unique person is gone
forever.
Primary caregivers may have a terrible mix of emotions
including both relief from the burden and guilt at feeling
relief.
The general wisdom harks back to old traditional images
of wearing black for a year after a death. "Finishing grief" tends to wait on at least one
full year's cycle of going through all family events
and holidays without the loved one present. The death of a
child, no matter what age, may very well permanently mark parents
with depression. "Memorials" in a home, including
not changing anything the loved one
touched, are often attempts to stave off the irrational fear
that the loved one might be forgotten.
A basic Christian instinct is to reach out and offer our
aid. Sometimes we feel ambivalent because we don't want
to intrude on a grieving person's privacy. In the midst
of this revolution around dying and grieving, there are more
details about what exactly friends and family can do which
is beneficial and healing.
Following are some specifics with information about why they
are important.
- The quality of "being present" is most important.
It's old wisdom that people who are grieving should not
be left alone with their loss for the first few days or a
week or so after death. Literal presence—going to the house,
sitting
with, offering affection, sharing memories and listening
without evaluation—are a primary and constant need of people
who are
grieving. "Not having to suffer
alone is the greatest gift we can offer the bereaved."(Tatelbaum,
p.74) Those
who are introverts by personality may request solitude and
that should be
honored.
- Grief is emotionally and physically exhausting. That's
why specific helps like preparing food, helping with errands,
making phone calls and housecleaning are needed. Make the
offer which
can be sincere and generous and ask permission to follow
through on your ideas. That respects the grieving persons' "space."
- Most people do not respond to those who call and say, "Let
me know what I can do." As Americans, we are culturally
trained to be independent. But people who are grieving don't
have the emotional energy to expend figuring out what they
need and telling others how to help them. Good openings for
offering your care include: "I would like to offer you
..." or "May
I help with ..."
- Staying present in the present is important. In the
first few weeks after the funeral, there will be legal and
financial
matters to deal with, but immediately those questions are
premature.
- It's not supposed to be easy to accompany people
who are grieving. Someone in the midst of overwhelming grief
may sob, wail and keen. In most societies that is seen as
beneficial purging; in American society, we may be tempted
to advise "being
strong," but that's not possible except intermittently
for the grieving person.
- We can trust our intuition about how "helpful" to
be. If we don't feel a sense of direction, the "do
as we would wish done with and for ourselves" is the
rule of thumb.
- Offer to pray with people who are grieving. The prayer
can be short, emphasizing the need to be comforted and
born up in God's strength.
- The grief process can bring up long-buried family issues.
Most of us tend to be uncomfortable with public displays
of anger and conflict. "Being present" is the cue
here again. If the grieving person expresses helplessness
in coping,
a referral to professional help can be made at a later time.
- Understand that most persons will respond out of cultural
and intra-generational models and expectations. One example
of this is taking photos of the deceased, very common in
Victorian times, not today in urban settings. The wishes
and expressions
of people who are grieving may seem odd to us, but they
should always be respected.
- Check back throughout the first year after death,
initially with those basic life necessities mentioned in
#2, later with
invitations to be out when the grieving person indicates
readiness.
PC(USA)'s Office of National Health Ministries is offering the
groundwork for the organization of Encircling Care Teams in
local congregations. You may find that responding to grieving
persons becomes a ministry for you and create the impetus for
a care team focused on grief and bereavement. The benefit of
a care team is that those providing ministry to people who
are grieving can support one another in providing both presence
and concrete help to persons and families in grief. Care teams
can offer a focused response that maintains regular contact
and a web of support.
For a grief-focused care team, some of the usual process can
be telescoped. Care team coordinators need to be called in
the event of any loss in the congregation and care team members
can function more on a crisis response manner in the first
few weeks. Initial contact needs to be made as soon as possible
with specific need evaluation made after a funeral or memorial
service. Concrete needs of a grieving person will evolve as
he/she faces daily life without the loved one. Anxiety and
depression are common responses during this period; presence
and verbal reassurance are important responses. Just listening
without problem-solving or advice is a very important ministry
at this time.
Like all care teams, the person needing care is the director
of the process so that any sense of helplessness is diminished.
The days and weeks after a funeral can be both lonely and demanding
because of multiple arrangements required. Grieving persons
without family members in town will need both more concrete
help and more emotional support.
Both ministers and congregation members report that ministry
with grieving persons often becomes the most meaningful
work they do; such times and interactions invite the sacred
into
our lives. We are all still learning about death and dying,
about grieving and bereavement. Each person's process
is uniquely
their own. We are called to walk in the way of compassion
as we continue to seek more understanding. Some helps on preparing your care team for work with a person
who is grieving:
- Gather the team together after "basic" care
team training. (The concepts included in the basic care
team training are extremely important here.) Give
each member a
copy of this information.
- It is helpful to allow an opportunity
for people to discuss their feelings about "loss." It
is particularly helpful to learn if anyone in the group has
recently experienced
loss and may still have unresolved feelings that could impact
his/her ability to perform the supportive role of the care
team.
- As a group, read through and discuss each point,
being certain to clarify any point that might be misunderstood.
- In order to help people become more comfortable
in these sensitive situation, you might want to set
up several "role
play" experiences and opportunities for them to rehearse
approaches.
- You will likely have some folks who are more
comfortable and experienced than others. It is always
better to pair
those who might be a bit nervous and insecure with someone
who is
more practiced.
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