March 22, 2007
Dear Friends,
My time here in China has not ceased to be a blessing, but at
the end of last semester I felt the need to experience something
completely new. I didn’t have an overwhelming desire to
return home and be jet-lagged for a few weeks only to do it all
over again this summer, and I was craving something truly different.
Therefore, after the Amity winter conference had finished, I decided
I would head to South Korea. I have a friend in Seoul, a former
camp counseling colleague, Jayeun Koo. She and I worked together
in the summer of 2000, and we had stayed in touch. I let her know
that I’d be coming, and she was thrilled.
Jayeun gave me the best vacation I’ve had in a long time.
She met me at the ferry port Incheon, scored English maps of Seoul
City for my use, reserved my place for the Panmunjeom and DMZ
(demilitarized zone) tour, called ahead to hostels in Busan and
Gyeongju, helped me exchange money, gave me a bedroom and bathroom
to myself in her apartment—the list of her generosity could
fill pages. In fact, it started to overwhelm me. I’ve always
been a stubborn person, and as I’ve grown older, my stubbornness
has manifested itself in a fiercely independent streak. I despised
asking my parents for money in college, I usually insisted on
paying my share for dates, and I was not thrilled to impose on
my folks by moving in for the year between my college graduation
and when I left for China. I love to treat my friends and relatives
to meals or give gifts for special occasions, but I usually have
a much harder time accepting their gifts to me. This trait made
it difficult for me to truly appreciate being with my old friend
in Korea again. I didn’t like feeling I was beholden to
her for all of the help she was giving me.
As I was riding on the train from Seoul to Busan however, I was
struck by a realization. I was receiving charity. Yes, from Jayeun,
but even more so from God. I didn’t want to realize it,
but I had to face the fact that I am a fallen creature too. As
much as I might fancy myself “independent” and “in
control,” I am still beholden to God for His grace and His
love. C.S. Lewis once wrote: “It would be a ... foolish
creature who came before its Creator and said ‘I am no beggar.
I love you disinterestedly.’” Yet that fool was me.
I did not want to surrender my pride to admit that I needed God’s
grace in my life, just as I needed Jayeun’s help in Korea.
Jayeun gave me her love and generosity not because she owed it
to me, but because I am her friend and she wanted to help me.
God gave His Son to die for me because I had sinned, yet He still
loved me. He still sent me His blessing, in the form of Jayeun’s
friendship, not because I deserved it, but simply because I am
His. Yet how often had I rejected His blessings because I wanted
to “do it myself”? How often—God forgive me—had
I resented Jayeun’s generosity because it kept me from asserting
my imaginary independence? Of course, due to the high value of
the Korean won, I could never have afforded to stay in South Korea
for so long without Jayeun’s help, but instead of being
thankful for God providing me with such a kind and giving friend,
I had looked down my nose at the gift.
There is a song by Christian artist Rebecca St. James called
“Hold Me Jesus.” There are a few lines from it I wish
to share here:
Surrender don’t come naturally to me
I’d rather fight you for something I don’t really
want, than
Take what you give that I need.
Surrender don’t come naturally to me
And I beat my head against so many walls
Now I’m falling down, falling on my knees.
On that train to Busan, I didn’t have the space to fall
down on my knees, but I did beg God to forgive me for my pride
and stubbornness, and I surrendered to His blessings. The rest
of my trip was the truly different experience I had been hoping
for. It’s surprising how many more people you meet when
you are willing to ask others for help (even in imperfect Korean)
rather than trying to figure it out on your own. I hung out with
a fellow pastor’s kid for a whole day, got a free ride back
to my hostel by a friendly bus driver, and reconnected with my
old friend. In surrendering to God, I found even more blessings
being showered upon me.
In your Lenten disciplines, may you also be reminded that Jesus
Himself surrendered to God and found salvation and new life for
the whole world. May you also find areas in your own life where
pride has caused you to turn away from God’s outstretched
hand, and may you find the joy of surrendering to Him and His
grace. A blessed Lenten season to all of you.
Surrendered to the arms of Charity,
Rae
The 2007 Mission Yearbook for Prayer & Study, p. 244
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