August 30, 2007

I lie awake, and am like a sparrow along on the housetops
Psalm 102:7  

One of the odd things that I found to be a blessing this past summer were the few nights that I had insomnia. I don't suffer from this terribly often, but sometimes I find it a gold mine of usable time, if I am willing to use it as such. During my incredibly busy summer, those nights of insomnia were mostly used for some deeper introspection. I was able to more fully appreciate my time in China, and my anticipated return to it, on a different level, since I was removed from the experience.

I realized that for much of my first year in China, I continued to define myself by the labels I had for myself in the States, and this led to some frustrating experiences, as I struggled to define a new image of myself. As time went on, I gradually took on new labels and a few new ways of thinking of myself. I have become accustomed to thinking of myself as an Amity teacher, as a foreign colleague, as a member of the Xiao Gou Tou Church, as a friend of myriad students, as the “vegetarian Christian” to my friends at the school gate and the cafeterias on campus, and as a member of the Lanzhou community. Before, I was only Rae Sterrett, and all the ideas about myself revolved around that identity. I have not ceased to be that woman, just as I have not ceased to be a child of God. However, I no longer only view myself as Rae, I also identify myself as Si Rui Xiu, with all of the new defining characteristics of myself that have developed during this time in China.

During those long hours of the nights when I was pondering and praying about all of this, one thing about my time here in China that kept rising to my attention is how much I have discovered about myself, both good and bad. I have rediscovered just how impatient and controlling I can be, especially over my time or when I want to get things done. I've discovered that I'm disturbingly good at procrastination, but I can also be a tremendously hard worker once I set my mind to something. I've learned that I often feel guilty over things that are beyond my control. I've learned that sometimes, no matter how tired I am, I should still answer the door at 11:00 p.m., because the person outside may not have anyone else in whom they can confide. Perhaps most importantly, I have come to the realization that my struggles in my faith are ongoing.

As I let go of some the labels that defined me in the United States, I began to grow more comfortable with living in China. In a similar fashion, as I grew in my faith here, I had to struggle more with my natural desires. As St. Paul writes in Romans 8: 22-25a: "For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

My natural desires—to make more money, to be "in control,” to have projects and papers processed in a time frame more to my liking, to just understand everyday conversations—are constantly at war with my perception of God's call to me to serve here in China. As a result, there have been times when I have lain awake praying and asking, "Am I really supposed to be here?"

It is then that the miracles, small though they may be, happen. Paperwork I was told would take weeks to process arrives in only a few days. I find myself able to sing along to a congregational response in church. One of the cafeteria workers tells a joke that I realize I never would have understood two years ago. One of my students says "Thank you."  I don't yell at my liaison teacher for walking me to the bus stop (in spite of the fact that I know perfectly well how to get there) because I know that it is a part of Chinese culture to take care of one's friends by walking them home. More perceptions of myself and my character, more lessons on how to live my faith, are taught and learned. I continue to grow as a person, in ways that I might not be able to grow if I lived in the United States.

During my periods of insomnia or introspection, when I am able to pause and look back on the incredible journey God has led me on, I feel gratitude. Yes, I will always struggle with myself, and who I am as a person is a puzzle that will never be completed on this Earth. But as I add and subtract the labels that define who I am, one label I am confident will never be removed is "child of God." I may be "wretched,” and I may occasionally lie awake and alone, questioning my purpose, but God has led me this far, and no matter how much I change or remain the same, I know God will walk with me on the journey, in China and beyond.

Rachel Sterrett

The 2007 Mission Yearbook for Prayer & Study, p. 244