Coping with Loss

All those who experience and survive a disaster suffer loss. They suffer loss of safety and security, loss of property, loss of community, loss of status, loss of beauty, loss of health, or loss of a loved one. Following a disaster, all individuals begin a natural and normal recovery process through mourning and grief.

At times loss involves a person, however, it can also be a pet, an object to which we are very attached, or a value we have held dear. In the grieving process, the connection with what we have lost is more important than the lost object, itself.

The experiencing of loss is emotional, however, often physical and observable symptoms or actions result. Some of the typical ways our bodies cope with trauma and stress follow. While these responses are typical, if they linger, they may be a signal that professional help is needed.

• Disbelief and shock
• Fear and anxiety about the future
• Disorientation; difficulty making decisions or concentrating
• Feeling emotionally "numb," withdrawn, disconnected or different from others.
• Nightmares and reoccurring thoughts about the event
• Sadness and depression
• Feeling powerless and unable to make decisions
• Experiencing memory problems including difficulty in remembering aspects of the trauma.
• Feeling irritable, easily agitated, or angry and resentful.
• Changes in eating patterns; loss of appetite or overeating
• Spontaneously crying, feeling a sense of despair and hopelessness
• Feeling extremely protective of, or fearful for, the safety of loved ones.
• Feeling guilt—unrealistically—that you were not able to prevent the disaster or that you survived or were less harmed than others.
• Headaches, back pains and stomach problems
• Increased use of alcohol and drugs

Grieving a Loss
Grief is the process of working through all the thoughts, memories and emotions associated with that loss, until an acceptance is reached—allowing the person to place the event in proper perspective. Theories of stages of grief resolution provide general guidelines about possible sequential steps a person may go through as he or she accepts the event. These theories provide general guidelines, each person must grieve according to his or her own values and time line.

It is important to remember that not all people move through the stages with the same intensity of emotions, or at the same rate. These differences in how and when individuals experience each stage can add stress to relationships. For example, a husband who is in the anger stage may be very impatient with a wife who is still in denial: "I can't understand why she's still got her head in the sand." She, on the other hand, may be wondering: "Why is he so angry when there's nothing to be angry about?"

The Five Stages Of Grieving
Shock/Denial: "No, not me, it can't be true." This is a typical reaction when a person faces a loss. This stage functions as a buffer after the unexpected happens. It allows you to collect yourself and, in time, to find a way to cope.

Denying a loss helps us protect ourselves when something painful happens. But getting stuck in denial can be dangerous. Pretending the crisis hasn't happened or won't happen encourages you to delay finding a solution to urgent problems. To deal with denial, individuals and families must talk about their situation realistically and openly. This may mean sharing fears and tears. Dealing with loss is easier on everyone when you can talk about it.

Anger: "Why me?" When the first stage of denial passes, it is likely to be replaced by anger, rage, envy, and resentment. God is often a target for anger, especially in natural disasters. You may also resent people around you who didn't suffer as much loss as you did.

Bargaining: "Yes, me, but ...." Once you have gotten the anger under control, you may enter the bargaining stage. You may promise God that you'll be good or that you'll do something in exchange for what you need. Bargaining can be a positive way to deal with stress. Whether you bargain with God, with yourself, or with your family, it provides comfort for things you cannot control. It allows you to "frame" the crisis so you can manage it. Bargaining may help you cope with feelings of sadness without experiencing deep depression. Good bargaining skills allow people to see the bright side of even the most difficult situation.

Depression: "There is no hope." A crisis entails loss, which is followed by sadness. If you are absorbed by the sadness, you can become depressed. Signs of depression include: changes in usual eating or sleeping patterns, constant moodiness or irritability, lack of energy, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Acceptance: "It's all right now." Once the preceding stages have been completely worked through, you will finally be able to accept what has happened, and you may even be stronger than you were before the disaster occurred.

Tips for Coping
It is "normal" to have difficulty managing your feelings after major traumatic events. However, if you don't deal with the stress, it can be harmful to your mental and physical health. Here are some tips for coping in these difficult times:

• Talk about it. By talking with others about the disaster event, you can relieve stress and realize that others share your feelings.
• Spend time with friends and family. They can help you through this tough time. If your family lives outside the area, stay in touch by phone or email, if that is possible. If you have any children, encourage them to share their concerns and feelings about the disaster with you.
• Take care of yourself. Get rest and exercise, and eat properly as far as possible. If you smoke or drink coffee, try to limit your intake, since nicotine and caffeine can also add to your stress. Be careful about your alcohol intake as well.
• Limit exposure to images of the disaster. Watching or reading news about the event over and over again will only increase your stress.
• Find time for activities you enjoy. Read a book, go for a walk, catch a movie or do something else you find enjoyable. These healthy activities can help you get your mind off the disaster and keep the stress in check.
• Take one thing at a time. For people under stress, an ordinary workload can sometimes seem unbearable. Pick one urgent task and work on it. Once you accomplish that task, choose the next one. "Checking off" tasks will give you a sense of accomplishment and make things feel less overwhelming.
• Do something positive for others. Give blood, prepare "care packages" for people who have lost relatives or their homes or jobs, or volunteer in a rebuilding effort. Helping other people can give you a sense of purpose in a situation that feels "out of your control."
• Avoid drugs and excessive drinking. Drugs and alcohol may temporarily seem to remove stress, but in the long run they generally create additional problems that compound the stress you were already feeling.
• Ask for help when you need it. If your feelings do not go away or are so intense that they interfere with your ability to function in daily life, talk with a trusted relative, friend, doctor or spiritual advisor about getting help. Make an appointment with a mental health professional to discuss how well you are coping with the recent events. You could also join a support group. Don't try to cope alone. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.

The emotional impact and feelings connected to a disaster may remain beneath the surface until another crisis brings the emotions out into the open. Many individuals may be surprised by an increase in emotionality around the third month, sixth month, and one-year anniversaries of the event. Crisis intervention can assist victims and facilitate their progress in proceeding through the predictable phases of loss and grief, thus avoiding surprise reactions or emotional paralysis later.