Youth group activity regarding dating violence

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Joan Fenton

Youth leaders should plan to speak about dating relationships as an every other year event, because teens will be aging in and out of the program. The message about equality in relationships needs to be heard often by our youth who may observe abuse at home as well as within the larger culture. Young women experience controlling and abusive situations at levels approaching that which is found within adult relationships.

To begin, divide the group into two parts, with equal numbers of males and females in each section. Give both sides a large piece of paper or white board and a marker. On one paper write “A Good Man Is…”, and on the other, “A Good Woman Is… .” Each group has five minutes to finish their list of attributes. Bring the two groups back together, compare lists and ask a few questions. Is there anything on either list that they disagree with? Why? Anything that causes concern? Are there any words or phrases that they think should pertain to both men and women? For example, if the word “strong” is written on the male side only, should women also be strong?

Next, hand out these questions. Tell them to answer each question on their paper with either a "yes," "no" or "sometimes". If youth are not in a relationship, they may answer as if the questions are being directed to someone they know who might be in a controlling relationship. All answers will be kept private and are for the teens’ personal use.

After everyone has finished answering the list of questions, ask them to look over their answers.  If they answered “yes” or “sometimes” to any of the questions, either they or their friends are in a controlling/abusive relationship. Allow time for discussion.

At this time, return to the lists of attributes that were made. Ask the youth: "where do we get the ideas of what men and women should be?"

Some suggestions may include:

1. Observing parents and other adults in their relationships.
2. Movies, TV and other media.
3. Observing older teens and young adults.
4. Observing what their friends believe and do.
5. Observing adult mentors, coaches, teachers, etc.

Do they feel that in our culture men may be given more status and sometimes more value than women?  When and where do we see men being more independent and more aggressive than women? (Examples may include TV, movies, music videos, advertisements). Why? Also in our personal lives — at home, in school, in the community — men are encouraged to be aggressive and dominant.

In the media listed above, how are women seen? (Often, they are portrayed as dependent, passive and objects of sexual conquest).  Do your youth see that boys are conditioned to take on specific traits, just as girls are encouraged to take on other traits? What happens to them if they appear to have some traits of the opposite sex? A put-down for a boy would be hearing, “You throw like a girl!” Does this statement show a lack of respect for girls?

Move on to abuser and victim profiles. Girls who are abused and boys who are abusive — what do they look like?  They both come from all racial/ethnic backgrounds, all income levels, all religions and are from large cities, small towns and rural areas. We can’t predict who will be a victim or an abuser, but over 95 percent of abusers are male. Youthful male victims mostly suffer from verbal abuse, and are not usually victims of physical abuse.

Ask your youth to list what tactics abusive partners employ. Be sure to include words such as:

1. Power and control
2. Verbal and/or physical attacks
3. Jealousy and possessiveness
4. Blaming victim for abuse
5. Denial of abuse
6. Entitlement to exercise control in relationship

Provide second handout to youth called “Love is – Love isn’t." Explain that there are certain words that are labeled as “love” when they are not love at all.

Ask for comments on what love is and isn’t.  Do these words fit with what they see love being for them?

There is an excellent chance each young person in your youth group knows someone who is either a victim or an abuser. If they see a friend in an abusive relationship and remain silent, what happens? Their silence helps the abusive teen feel empowered to continue to abuse. Likewise the victim becomes more isolated and believes the abuse is normal and justified. So, what can they do? Will they feel comfortable in remaining close to the abusive friend, while stating that abuse is wrong and it needs to end? Will they be able to offer words of care, concern and support to a victim? Will they tell their teenage friend that she is not causing the abuse and doesn’t deserve it? Will they stand by victims and abusers as they try to make changes? Will they make necessary changes in their own lives if they recognize that they are in an unhealthy relationship?  Will they seek out a trusted adult to talk with about their problem?

Finally, what are we called to do as followers of Jesus Christ? As we seek to be faithful to Him, we come to realize that all our relationships are to be based on mutual respect and caring. We are meant to be treated lovingly. We are made in God’s image and are deserving of love. Dating and marriage should not contain control and violence. We are all called to be peacemakers. This process starts in how we treat those closest to us, by giving and receiving respect and love.

As you complete this activity with your youth, give them time to share questions or concerns. Some youth may choose to speak confidentially with you in the future about a troubling relationship. Plan to bring up the topic of dating relationships with your youth group again and again,  training new youth leaders in this process.

Youth who hear statements about respectful relationships are much less likely to be involved in abusive situations than those who don’t. Parents usually don’t think their teens are involved in abuse, don’t, as a rule, discuss it with their teens, and even if they do, teens usually do not act on their advice. You are on the front line in the prevention of dating violence and may be providing the only opportunity for this sort of conversation.  Break the silence — dating shouldn’t hurt! 

For more information and ideas to encourage healthy relationships between parents, teens and dating partners, visit Give Respect!, an initiative of the Family Violence Prevention Fund. Other helpful information for teens may be found at the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, (866) 331-9474 and the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, (800) 656-4673.

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