Circles of Friends

Building Community with a Person who has a Disability Within the Church Community

The Rev. Donna Whitmore
Moderator, Presbyterians for Disability Concerns (PDC)

Church is where we hope to find the love and acceptance we all long for. It is the place where we expect to be treated with respect and dignity and have fellowship with one another. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Often individuals who have disabilities do not feel genuinely welcomed in congregations. They sometimes feel patronized, overlooked, or merely tolerated. Some feel lonely in the midst of their congregations and feel like outsiders when others are enjoying friendships that extend beyond the walls of the church.

Sometimes a church has a program of care that is extended to a person with a disability. This can be a wonderful way to reach out to an individual with some specific needs. But at times, even a program of care can make the recipient feel more like a client than a friend. Sometimes it can keep the attention on the disabling condition, rather than on building mutuality in the relationship.

Many persons with disabilities have few people, other than professional caregivers, involved in their lives. Many experience the pain of isolation and loneliness. A variety of relationships, however, can help an individual experience a more positive self-image, a sense of wholeness, a valuing of his or her contributions, and a sounding board for sharing ideas and gathering resources.

A Circle of Friends can bring a meaningful connection between a person with a disability and others in the congregation. It can bring genuine friendship and enrichment to everyone’s life. Consider whether a Circle of Friends might benefit a person with a disability and other members of your congregation.

What is a Circle of Friends?

A Circle of Friends is a small gathering of individuals who build a relationship with a person who has a disability. They celebrate his or her life. Through encouragement, sharing life stories, enjoying activities, and going on outings together, persons feel valued and loved. They learn that they matter to others. A Circle, in recognizing and honoring the God-given dignity and giftedness of all people, focuses on listening to and validating the person’s hopes and dreams, rather than on “fixing the problem.” The person, not the disability, is the focus.

The Circle asks, “Where would you like your life to go from here?” and takes the responses seriously. One person said, “My Circle has helped me find ways to share my talents.” Other Circle members have said, “I’ve experienced new hope and new opportunities,” and “My Circle helps me think about answers to life’s challenges.” Surrounded by others who believe in them and who walk with them, they can make phenomenal movement toward achieving their hopes and dreams. They discover together what it means to live life to the fullest.

While the focus of Circles is intended for the person with a disability, other Circle members find themselves amazed by how much their own lives are enriched. In fact, persons with disabilities often “have an incredible capacity for creating community and bringing people together.” (Jean Vanier, From Brokenness to Community.) Shari, a facilitator of a Circle said that the Circle is “… one of the most enjoyable, ongoing experiences of my entire life!” Participants report that it is deeply fulfilling to be a part of helping others discover their value and gifts, and to see the world from a broader perspective. Being one of several Circle members relieves one of feeling that “you’re it.” As part of a team, all work together and contribute according to each person’s availability.

What does a Circle do?

A facilitator for a Circle described it this way, “Basically, a Circle of Friends is simply a more intentional way to get together with friends on a regular basis. We would do well to build communities like this in all our lives.”

A Circle is not a formal meeting, but an informal, albeit intentional, gathering. Circles typically meet once a month for several hours. They meet in members’ homes, at the home of the “focus person,” at a locale in the community. They may rotate locations.

Each Circle is as unique as the person for whom it has been formed. The desires of the person with a disability determine the nature of the Circle. Typically, a Circle is centered in one or more of the following arenas:

Social get-togethers that provide companionship and develop friendship

• going out to dinner
• going to a movie or a concert in the park
• going to social and recreational gatherings in homes

Listening and supportive decision-making

• listening to the person’s life story
• problem solving or brainstorming on such issues as independent living
• finding jobs, volunteer opportunities, or developing weekly schedules

Advocating with the individual in getting his or her “voice” heard

• obtaining needed social services
• inclusion and full participation in the life of the congregation

Serving together in the church or community

• projects that meet dreams or goals

Core Value of Circles

• Group members respect the wishes of the focus person and honor her or his uniqueness.
• The focus person’s desires set the direction for the Circle.
• Relationships are based on capability, not need or deficit.
• Meaningful relationships are based on mutuality.
• Circle members listen, value the focus person, build trust, and follow through with actions (not only words).
• The Circle allows the community to discover and receive the gifts of the individual.
• The Circle focuses on a person-centered rather than a program-centered approach.
• The Circle provides life-enhancing opportunities.
• Circle members realize that people’s needs are complex and that a number of relationships provide a supportive network.

See “Practical Guidelines for Starting a Circle of Friends” in these Access Sunday materials.