A Ministry of Presence

The Rev. Donna Whitmore
Moderator, Presbyterians for Disability Concerns (PDC)

The term “ministry of presence” is vague for those of us who feel most comfortable performing tasks. A ministry of presence, however, is rooted in being — on our being human together as companions on the journey of life. This is very different from the roles we often take — “fixing” people, solving their problems and giving advice.

A ministry of presence involves being physically present with another person. It means showing compassionate listening and visible engagement. It means caring, but not in a solicitous way. It means bringing our own authenticity to the other and allowing the other to be authentic with us. It does not mean making another person feel or think differently about a situation. Rather, it is hearing the individual and helping him or her to give voice to what is going on. A ministry of presence communicates a person’s infinite worth and value. Where we are truly known and accepted, where we are living the life together as the Body of Christ, where all are recognized as created in the Image of God, we are living a ministry of presence.

This is not the way our society usually treats people with disabilities. In my ministry, I have had people with disabilities tell me, “I am sick and tired of other people always giving me advice or assuming that they know what is best for me. These people usually don’t even know me very well and have no idea of what I am going through. They treat me as if I am incapable of making good decisions. I didn’t even ask them for advice! Thy intrude in my life and expect me to be grateful.”

The core of ministry of presence is listening. But instead of listening, too often we think about our own responses, we try to gather information, or we try to “cheer up” the person with “positive thinking.”

Instead of “how can I fix you?” the question for a ministry of presence becomes, “how can I be with a person who is experiencing a problem?” I would like to suggest three stages in a ministry of presence: being attentive to yourself, being attentive to the individual, and being attentive to what took place during the conversation.

Being Attentive to Yourself

Before meeting with the person, sit quietly for a few minutes. Disconnect from what else is going on in your day. Then ask yourself these questions.

1. What is going on within myself? How do I feel about what is going on in my life?
2. What blocks are there in my own life that might impede my receptivity?
3. How do I feel about the person? About the visit?
4. Can I come with an open heart and empty hands, knowing that God is present even in my weakness?
5. Am I praying that God will awaken openness, receptivity, and love in me?
6. Am I aware of God in me?
7. Can I see the person as “another me” and not my care receiver? Can I put myself in her or his place, imagining that I am the person coming for the visit?

Being Attentive to the Individual

Take off your shoes. You are on holy ground! “Be the gift of unconditional love and acceptance to others as I have experienced such love from God.” (The Rev. Bruce Knofel)

As we are with the individual, merely listening and gently encouraging the person to share, we are establishing a bond that says, “You matter. You are important.” This offers comfort and leads to hope.

• Keep a slow gentle approach.
• Meet the person as he is, letting him be the authentic person he is.
• You may wish to begin with words like this, “I’ve come because I want you to know that I care about you. You are not alone. Please share what is happening now.”
• Listen with your whole body, energy, and presence.
• Listen in silence without interrupting. Fill in silent spaces with love. Your listening will help the person to go deeper, to listen to his or her life.
• Perhaps, ask an occasional question to draw the person deeper. “What else is happening in your life right now? What is hard for you? What is your biggest fear?”
• Listen to what is not being said.
• Validate the feelings that are expressed.
• Listen for questions.
• Reflect back, “This must be very hard for you. I can feel your distress, frustration fear or ...”
• You may see an opportunity to gently expand the person’s awareness beyond the immediate situation.
• Share an affirmation and prayer if it is appropriate; for example, “The peace of Christ be with you.”

Being attentive to what took place during the conversation

Ask yourself these questions:

• What is the gift I gave?
• What is the gift I received?

The uniqueness of pastoral care with persons with disabilities

A ministry of presence with persons with disabilities is essentially not different from a ministry of presence with those without disabilities. It is not always easy, however, to hear what marginalized people have to tell us. They may have low self-esteem and may not feel valued. The newly disabled person may question her “role” in life as the ability to do some activities is diminished. Many may be seeking meaning in their lives and may be having difficulty reconciling spiritual beliefs with their disabilities.

Here are some important guidelines:

• Take the person seriously.
• Treat the person as an individual. For example, what is true for one person in a wheelchair may not be true for another person in a wheelchair.
• Listen to the individual and ask questions about how to interact with her.
• Remember that when we do things for others that they can do for themselves, we are contributing to their feelings of weakness.
• Slow down if you are trying to understand or if the conversation is being interrupted.
• Be attentive to the environment. Meet in a place where the individual feels comfortable.
• You may recognize that the person creates crises in order to gain attention.
• Make adaptations based on the individual’s disability.
• Be attentive to the stages of grief. People with disabilities will be in different places in the process.

A ministry of presence with persons with developmental disabilities and some with memory loss

• Talk with them and treat them like adults.
• Do not view the person as a “problem.”
• The disability or medication may make comprehension difficult or slow.
• Remember that some people can concentrate best when they are doodling.
• Use short sentences with simple, non-abstract ideas.
• Expect to repeat ideas.
• If the person is “fixated” on an idea, go with it, at least, for a while.
• You may need “extra grace.” Persons may lack social skill, may be very forthright, which may appear as rude.
• Use touch. Non-verbal communications come through even with individuals who have cognitive disabilities. Ask permission to touch.
• Find out what faith practices are familiar to the individual and incorporate them into your time together. For example, you might pray the Lord’s Prayer together.
• Use senses; for example, music and pictures.
• Theologizing and abstract discussion are not useful.
• Share and appreciate moments of wonder.
• Celebrate “small” successes.