Caring for the sandwich generation

BOULDER, Colorado — To illustrate the pressures on members of the sandwich generation, Jen Rabenaldt brought along some toy sandwich ingredients she used as a teaching aid.

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Rabenaldt, a commissioned ruling elder who directs Christian education and is the office manager at First Presbyterian Church in San Luis Obispo, California, led a workshop on “The Sandwich Generation” last week at the annual conference of the Presbyterian Older Adult Ministries Network.

“I found myself in this sandwich generation a few years ago and didn’t know it was a thing,” she said. Rabenaldt’s husband was dying of cancer and her mother was “starting her dementia journey,” she said. “My sandwich looks a lot different now. I’m not sure I’m eager for this adventure again, but I know I’d be ready for it.”

In her work and in her family life, Rabenaldt is a caretaker. “I want to make sure everyone is taken care of and has what they need. I forget that I need that, too, although I am getting better about asking for help and finding resources,” she said. “As churches, we could be better about walking alongside people.”

“I’ve brought us some sandwiches,” she said, gesturing to the sandwich ingredients scattered atop a table. “What kind of sandwich are you in? I felt like a club sandwich for a long time, and now I feel like an open-faced sandwich.”

One in four adults is now caring for both children and older parents, and Rabenaldt expects that number to grow. “We need to remember to take care of ourselves as well as those around us,” she said.

The club sandwich Rabenaldt described “is a multigenerational household, even if the parents don’t live with you,” she said. Her open-faced sandwich describes elder care. “It’s a silly way to look at it, but it’s descriptive of what it feels like right now,” she said. “This season can be really exhausting. I still work full-time, and [caring for her father] is my full-time job on top of my full-time job.”

That care can, of course, bring joy. “I feel blessed to be such a big part of my dad’s life,” she said.

One workshop participant said she and her siblings agreed that those family members who couldn’t contribute financially to their mother’s care would instead contribute something in-kind, such as home repairs. “We were able to care for our mother in her home for 10 years,” she said. “It worked out quite nicely.”

“Having those hard conversations and the easy ones too is really important,” Rabenaldt said.

Finances can boost the level of stress. Rabenaldt opted to hire someone to take her father to haircuts, flu shots, dentist appointments and the like. “There are things you can do,” she said, “to take a layer out of your sandwich.”

Caregivers should also continue nurturing their spiritual lives, “which often goes out the door when we’re caring for a loved one,” she said. “It’s important to have in your brain what can help you refuel or reset — even if it’s being quiet for 15 minutes.”

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For Rabenaldt, self-care sometimes looks like sitting quietly in the church sanctuary for a few minutes and sometimes involves “watching the dumbest … movie I can find. I don’t have to think about anything,” she said. “Just because we’re helping people all day doesn’t mean we’re not lonely.” Deacons or Stephen ministers “can see people and help with the loneliness,” and having mental health concerns addressed from the pulpit can lay the foundation for “a more comfortable conversation.”

“We also have to remember boundaries, which is hard sometimes,” she said. “We need to learn to say ‘no’ so we don’t wear ourselves out.” She asked workshop participants to “think about one thing you can say ‘no’ to.” Whatever that is, “it can wait until tomorrow.”

“It’s on us if we don’t communicate,” Rabenaldt said. “People aren’t mind-readers.” Most bosses “are open to you taking time off if you need it,” she said.

Each year, First Presbyterian Church puts on a four-week workshop based on the organizer, “I’m Dead, Now What?” Caregivers can note their loved one’s favorite hymns and scriptures and what the memorial service should look like. The church arranges for a mortician, an attorney and the pastor, among other subject-matter experts, to stop by to lend their insights.

“It has helped people and their family, who don’t need to make decisions when people are grieving,” Rabenaldt said.

She encouraged workshop participants to identify that one person in their life they can talk to with little or no notice.

In addition, “think of one small thing you can do this week to keep your sandwich fresh and in place,” she said. “Churches are learning it’s important to take care of caregivers. I just hope those conversations continue.”